Will and I went to a dinner party at Katie’s apartment over the weekend and I had a long conversation with my friend Roxy (my first blog friend back when I was still in college!) that got me thinking about a lot of things. Truthfully, I’ve been feeling more anxious than usual lately. We’re not sure where Will’s career will take him in this next year and we’ve talked a lot about what cities we would and wouldn’t want to move to. (And I’m so happy we’re even having those conversations because, no joke, he’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Getting personal today, okay?) But not knowing whether we’ll be in New York or Dallas or San Francisco this time next year has me feeling like I’ve lost control. It’s harder to make decisions about hiring an employee before Christmas, for example, when I’m not sure how far into the following year I’ll be able to employ that person in New York. Ditto office space and a bevy of other personal and professional goals. And yet I’d hate to spend the next year in New York with one foot out the door, stressing about a move that may or may not even happen. Maybe this is just the nature of being in your twenties.
Since I’m already spilling my heart out (writing is the best for that, isn’t it?), I’ll add that fashion week was a tough time for me this year. It’s this hectic period where you feel like you have to see everyone, do everything, get invited to the right shows, and forgo your regularly scheduled work and sleep to cram in as much as possible. And maybe it’s because I’m not invited to 1,394 shows but it was a terrible time for me to get stuck playing the comparison game. Why wasn’t I invited to that presentation? Why wouldn’t so-and-so include me in that blogger dinner? If you’re already feeling less than your best, a week like that can really highlight everything you’re not doing well enough.
And lately, I’d been letting those feelings snowball until they were keeping me up at night. But then something always happens that puts everything into perspective. On Monday, my friend Kelly texted me about a college acquaintance whose battle with leukemia took a turn for the worse over the weekend. I just lost it thinking about his parents, his sisters, his friends, and my friends who are close to him. And suddenly it’s like, wait, nothing else matters. I am so lucky to be in love with a guy who wants to be a part of my life for the long haul. I’m so lucky we get to choose a city where we can both further our careers because I can do my work from anywhere. I’m so lucky to have good people around me who remind me why the bad ones aren’t worth it. Who cares about which shows I was or wasn’t invited to? Who cares about a rude blog comment? Who cares whether I can hire my first employee this year or five years from now? We’re all so damn hard on ourselves and life is just too short.
So today I’m getting out of a funk, putting an end to the snowballing, and giving myself a clean slate. Surrounding myself with people who are creative, smart, and dynamic and who inspire me every day to be a better version of myself. Focusing on what’s really important and not beating myself up when I fall short of some crazy ideal that I’ve put in place myself. And being extra personal with all of you when the mood strikes, because it’s scary as hell to write these posts and to put them out in the world for people to dissect and extrapolate and misinterpret. But maybe it will help one or two or, hey, a hundred of you. Maybe it will encourage you to count your blessings and to spend less time lamenting your shortcomings. To call your girlfriends and tell them how much you love them. To stop taking your boyfriend or your parents or your siblings for granted. To help you see that you’ve got a family who loves you, friends who mean the world to you, and a life that keeps you on your toes and makes you feel lucky to be a part of it all. To help you realize that this funk is just a blip, that you are, in fact, dynamite, and that you’ve got a lot of great stuff to do before you leave this crazy world. Thanks for bearing with me and this novel today. Onward and upward, shall we?